Snowy Winter

So VT didn’t happen because we got a blizzard.  We’ll go next month but I doubt there will be snow.  Oh well.  These days I’m just chalking it up to for whatever reason we weren’t meant to play in the snow.  And hey, maybe something amazing will happen on our trip that wouldn’t have happened if we went last weekend.  Or something.

I think I’m getting to be a lazy mom.  I just don’t have the desire to get on the floor and play with my kids.  I love them but I am just not good at playing cars and trains and whatever else.  Part of it is desire and part of it is that I can’t turn my mind off to focus.  Meal times are pathetic, I feel like I don’t even try anymore.  I wish my kids liked to do crafty stuff but they don’t and it ends up being super stressful as I try to police two kids from dumping paint on the floor or emptying an entire container of glitter all over the place.  I don’t mind a mess, most of the time.  But there is just not a whole lot of enjoyment when I’m going back and forth between them and not getting to do anything myself.

Whine whine whine.

You know you’ve been out of work too long when the idea of going to work for three days IN A ROW seems overwhelming.  Yes, I am working a little bit during the next couple weeks.  I will be happy to get out of the house but truth be told I’m kind of dreading it as well.  Probably a sure sign I need to break this stay at home rut.

Which I am working on.  I’ve decided to become a consultant for Thirty-One.  It has been a bit slower getting started than I would like (I need instant gratification!) and it’s funny because you kind of find out who your real friends and family are.  I understand home parties and the likes aren’t for everyone but if someone I cared about was launching his/her own business and had an open house I’d at least go.  And if I couldn’t or really didn’t want to then I would let him/her know and decline.  That’s all I have to say about that.  But I am excited.  I love the product and I’m looking forward to my first party and getting out of the house for some girl time!

WA goes for his follow-up visit next month.  I can’t tell if I think he’s growing.  Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t.  OE is definitely growing though.  I think he could probably wear size 4 now which is crazy.  He will be four in April and he is usually always behind when it comes to clothing sizes.

My husband doesn’t know I know but I think he’s planning a night out for us tomorrow.  Thank goodness because we haven’t been out since October and we need it.  Oh man do we need it.  I can’t wait.

2013

Holy cow.  It is getting a little ridiculous that every blog post starts out with “Wow, it’s been soooooo long since I’ve blogged!” but yet again, here I am dumbfounded that it’s been almost four months since I logged in to write something on this little space of mine.

Let’s see, the holidays were rather uneventful.  Christmas was just a whole lot of craziness and crankiness and maybe next year it will be more fun?  OE just isn’t an excitable kid when it comes to new things.  I can totally relate 😉

We’re currently working on pumping more calories into WA.  His growth has slowed down and he’s crossing a lot of growth curves so we just need to make sure there isn’t a reason behind it.  I don’t think there is…I think he just started out with a bang on breastmilk and now is slowing down to his normal growth.  The doctor calls this catch down.  Ice cream is about the only thing so far that I’ve found that WA could probably eat a lot of so yesterday I got some Haagan-daz and we’ll probably do that for dessert.  Thank goodness OE isn’t a big kid because try to explain to a 3 year old that he can’t have ice cream but his brother can.  You can’t.  Everyone eats ice cream.

WA is adding vocabulary to his repertoire daily which I’m happy about.  He was a bit later than most kids but I expected that.  I also knew there wasn’t nothing wrong with his development because he was doing things that OE never did.  This weekend we’re going to wean him from the last nursing session, bed time.  I expect it will be fine.  As much as I wasn’t sure I would ever get a sign that he is OK to stop I did get one.  I think he would have been fine to continue for as long as I wanted but I’m ready to be done and get my body back.

The next thing on the horizon is what to do about money.  I can’t stay home and have life continue as is.  But what to do?  A full time job just sounds so unappealing.  A part time job sounds better but still means childcare which isn’t cheap so does it end up being worth it?

My birthday is coming up and we’re going to VT.  To the same place my mom and I used to go.  I can’t wait but also I’m sure it will be bittersweet as this will be the first time I’m returning since she died.

Sometimes it still doesn’t seem real.

Tardy Again

It doesn’t feel like a month and a half since I last posted.  Let’s see.

• The week back home was tough but we made it through.  I missed being on vacation.
• OE started preschool and is doing great.  I have to push him in the morning to get ready and most days he says he doesn’t want to go but once we get there he’s fine.  He’s always so happy to see me when I pick him up and always says he had fun.  He’s doing a lot better than I thought he would (I haven’t spoken to the teacher yet though about it from her end)
• I’m loving the time away from OE.  It is a nice break and it is nice for WA and I to be together.  And grocery shopping with just WA is a hell of a lot easier.
• Fall is officially here.  I’m dragging my feet on this one.  If I had it my way summer would be like 4 months, fall would be 3 months, spring would be 3 months and winter would be 2 months.
• My HPV and pap came back abnormal again.  I’m waiting for the call from my midwife with instructions to schedule a colposcopy.  I’m not surprised but still, it’s kind of stressful.
• I’m lacking motivation this week.  I have a to-do list that isn’t really that long but it overwhelms me.  I need to find a new primary care doctor and I want to make sure I pick a good one and I also have to think about the hospital affiliation.  Argh.
• There seems to be a lot of death and sickness around lately.
• I love the show Long Island Medium.  It is kind of my dream to have a reading.  Actually my husband and I both would love it so much.  I totally believe in that.  I believe it much more now that my mom and mother in law are gone.  It’s comforting to think they are still with us.
• I think I’ve decided two kids are it for us.  I asked my midwife about whether having another baby would affect the HPV/pap issue (before I found out the results) and she said it wouldn’t.  But lately I just haven’t had much energy and WA is at a fun age that I can remember how hard the first year is.
• We joined the Y and I am thoroughly enjoying being able to work out again while they watch my kids.  I wasn’t sure how WA would do since he hasn’t been away from me a whole lot but for the most part he’s doing great.
• I think I would like to have WA weaned by 18 months.  I’m just not sure that’s going to happen.  I keep hoping for signs from him that he’s ready to wean but I’ve got nothing.  He’s still getting up twice a night.
• The sweet tooth.  I still have it.  I probably need an intervention.

Ho Hey

I’m staring at a blinking cursor, not really sure why I’m here or what I’m going to write.  But something, crappy as it may be, is better than nothing I think.  I do miss the days when I would blog a lot but it seemed like I had a lot more to write about then.  Now it’s just the same boring stuff no one wants to read about – kids, sleep and anxiety.

I will say this, I think parents are lying when they say they don’t have favorites.  Or maybe they’re telling the truth but at varying times I definitely have a favorite.  How could I not?  Some days are harder than others and generally speaking I prefer to spend my time with happy, snuggly little ones.

I’m already dreading the end of summer.  I love fall but after fall comes winter and winter definitely seems to be the hardest for me.  I wonder if I lived somewhere that had warm weather all the time would I still feel this way?  Is it the sun and warm weather or just the laid back feeling that summer has?

OE is starting preschool next month.  Am I supposed to make a big deal about it?  A few people have asked me if we’re all set and well I don’t know, are we?  I haven’t even talked to OE about it or bought a single thing.  I guess I figure it isn’t that different than daycare and since he did that for two years that part will be fine.  It’s only 2 1/2 hours a day!

I can’t stop eating sweets.  It is ridiculous.  I wake up with the best intentions but then I get stressed or anxious or hungry and it all goes down the tubes.  Sometimes I care and sometimes I don’t.  I’m eating healthy stuff too but I’m definitely eating more sugar than I need to be.

Baby is crying…I must go.  And yes, he is still my baby.

Breezy

I’ve been away from my husband for over a week.  I’m at my mom’s place, which technically is my our place now.  The boys and I have been having a good time going to the beach, playground, stroller walks, seeing family and friends, and just relaxing.  The past couple days have been a little more stressful as naps are haywire and it is hot and sticky and baby is getting a molar.

A family friend asked if we were done with two and I shared my feelings of not knowing.  She then shared some crazy statistic like 90% of people who say they aren’t sure end up having another.  Which is funny because this week I’ve been watching Say Yes to the Dress constantly and I just don’t feel like I could do this all again even if I was guaranteed a girl.  So, further proof that I’m in no state of mind to be making any important decisions about anything.

So about the husband.  Do you think it’s weird that I haven’t spoken to him on the phone since he left?  Our e-mails and texts have been limited to business only.

I think it’s weird.  But probably not as weird as you do since we’ve always been like this.  But now I kind of feel like dude you have two kids.  Don’t you want to know how their days are going?  Don’t you want to skype because you CAN?  I understand it is frustrating and hard because OE doesn’t really get it but still you play the whiny card because OE spends all day with me and likes me better (which is only true sometimes.  He really needs his dad) and then you do things like this that take you further from his life.

Now granted I don’t have to be here.  But I am because this is where I grew up and it is a summer destination.  Why wouldn’t I come here to spend time with friends and let my boys experience something different?  B made his choice not to spend it with us citing school work but he also said he wanted me to come here whenever I want.

Truth be told I don’t think he likes it here.  Which is fine, everyone has their feelings.  I just wish I had known the depth I guess.  Maybe I’m over-sensitive but it hurts my feelings a bit.  This is where I grew up and you never want to come here.  Now on the other side of the coin I live in the town where B grew up and there is hardly anything about that place I like.  School system is fine, I like the library but there is really nothing else to speak of.  So I get it, just because your spouse hailed from there doesn’t mean you have to love it.

He came with us, stayed for 4 days and then left.  I was sad, saying that I knew he wasn’t going to come back and he insisted he will.  He won’t.  Or maybe he will for like 3 days when I really just wanted to have fun, relaxing, family time.  Oh well.  Maybe he’s waiting for me to make the effort to connect with him but I doubt it.  In an e-mail I asked him how things were going over there and he said, “Super busy. Taking care of lots of things here. Haven’t even had the chance to go buy milk yet.  Love you guys!”

So who knows.  Give him the benefit of the doubt?  Maybe he’s renovating the house.  Ha.

We need to work on our marriage.  I wonder sometimes if every couple goes through this with young kids or just us?  It seems like just us but maybe it’s just one more thing people don’t want to talk about in the sunshine and rainbow world of babies.

Done?

If you asked me at various times throughout the last year if we were having any more kids I might have told you (or yelled at you) NO WAY!  I cannot do another child who does not sleep.  Most people seem to think babies get easier the second half of their first year but me?  I have babies who are just so much more needy and whiny and not sleepy and draining.  And all of this I could handle if it weren’t for my crazy, unpredictable just turned 3 year old

*.

When I told my mom that we were having another boy she said, “You’ll just have to try again for a girl.”  I laughed and muttered something about our tiny house and no, not going to happen.  After I got over my initial (and unexpected) disappointment of not having a girl I was fine, happy to have brothers.

*

I had a weird flash of having a baby girl.  I started to think about how I will never have a chance to go wedding dress shopping with my daughter or see her have a baby.  Both activities I would have been fine to miss over a year ago, before my mom died.  For us (and most women I imagine?) we really started to reconnect after I had OE.  And now it’s gone and I guess I feel like a baby girl will fill that void.

There are a lot of reasons to have another baby but also a lot of reasons not to, mainly financial but also it means being pregnant again, having three young children, straining our marriage, no longer being a perfect square-sized family.  And obviously there is no guarantee that we’ll have a girl and while I know I’ll love another boy, there is no doubt that I will be upset about not having a girl.  But how upset?

B, bless his heart, doesn’t care.  He could go either way.

I’m not in the market to make a decision today (in fact I still haven’t gotten my period back and most likely won’t until I’m done breastfeeding) but I’m definitely thinking about it a lot.  I know whatever the right decision is, it will come to me.  Just wait and see.

As Is

It’s 6:28am.  I’ve been up since before 4am.  I could have gone back to sleep at 5:30am but I knew an hour of sleep wasn’t going to be enough and I would just be angry that I had to get up and couldn’t keep sleeping.  Of course this means the boys will sleep until past 7am which is unheard of.  On a “normal” day we’re all up by 6am.  Not a whole lot of normal going on lately though.  The youngest has been getting up at 2:30am and refusing to go back to sleep until 5am.

I am sick.  I am tired.  I am weepy.  I am exhausted.  Husband is going out of town until Sunday afternoon.

Mother’s Day was such a good day.  We took the boys to an amusement park and my cheeks hurt by the end of the day because I was smiling so much.  It was heaven for OE, my little sensory seeker.

Meanwhile, someone is turning ONE in 10 days.  I can’t even believe it.

My boys.  My sweet boys.

Bits

A FB friend wrote this:  ‎”Sleeping” in a rocking chair. This is sacred work… So grateful to be here. And it’s going to be a rough day tomorrow.

*

At playgroup today a woman was talking about how her mom had been visiting for two months and every morning since she left her two-year old daughter would say, “I miss Grammy.”

*

At the same playgroup, after chasing OE around and trying to get him to actually “play” instead of run and after getting a toy thrown at me for the third time I said, “I don’t think anyone understands how stressful it is to come to playgroup.”

*

I am mostly a patient mom with OE the first, second and sometimes third time I have to ask him to do something.  But all bets are off after that.  There is no in-between.  Last night I yelled, “NO!” as he bit into a pear.  The kind of no one reserves for their kid running across the street, not biting into a piece of fruit simply because there was already one cut into.

*

OE has another screening next week for the pre-school program at the school. He couldn’t be scored the first time around because he refused to participate in a lot of the activities.  He’s going to do the same next week.  And then what?  Is he just not ready?  Is it more?

*

The anxiety.

*

The pap smear that came back normal but the HPV that didn’t.  Again.  For the third time.  A second colposcopy and now I think we just wait.  Wait to see if my body clears the infection or if I develop cancer.  B asks how I feel about it.  What can I do?  I’ve resigned to the fact that I’m going to get cancer at some point in my life.  Where and when we’ll have to see but for now I have a sense of calm about it.

*

I often think people see me with my two kids and think Poor thing.  She is a stressball, hand the lady a martini.  I wish someone would.

Where to Start?

I have no idea.  I’m here.  I’m good some days and not so good other days.  Normal?  Not normal?  A little of both?  In any case life in moving along at a rapid speed.  I keep hoping that it is the sleep deprivation that is making things so hard.  I know that isn’t REALLY all of it but maybe it is enough?  Enough to keep me from getting un-stuck?

I hope to be back more regularly.  HOPE.

Life

We grew up together in a small community – the kind where your grade school classmates will always mean something to you because you spent every day together. We went our separate ways in high school, as most of my elementary school relationships did.

We reconnected through facebook in 2008. I was expecting my first child, she her third. She was very active on facebook and always had a positive comment to say and was very open about her own life. I thought it was strange then, I admire it now. She lost a baby at 14 weeks and then had at least one more miscarriage after that. When she became pregnant with twins I thought, wow the lord really does work in mysterious ways.

She had a bit of a rough road, as most multiple pregnancies are, but just over two weeks ago she had twin girls. Premature but in perfect health.

On Sunday she passed away from a sudden heart attack due to spontaneous coronary artery dissection, a very rare event that is more common in postpartum women. She was having chest pains, reluctantly went to the ER and just after walking through the doors went into cardiac arrest. Attempts to resuscitate weren’t successful.

I cried when I read it on facebook. I just couldn’t believe it. I cried for Bethany, for her husband, for her five children because it just doesn’t make sense. It is heartbreaking. I try not to ever delve into the “whys” of things because I don’t think an answer will ever be found but it is hard not to think about that here. I can’t think of another woman who was as genuinely caring about so many people, so grateful for what she had and so positive to everyone around her. She was an amazing mom.

The flip side of this sadness is the rallying that my childhood friends are doing to support her family. A bank account has been opened, a fundraiser is being put together and donations being sent to her family.

I just can’t imagine. Two week old twins. It breaks my little heart, and everyday I cry for her family. They are a strong family and so loving so I know they will get through it but I just wish they didn’t have to.

The day after Bethany passed my husband’s grandfather passed away. It was expected, but – but what? I don’t know, 2011 gave me a beautiful son but other than that it has been a shitty, shitty year.