It has been almost 2 months since I posted which means my 5 month old is now a 7 month old and doing big boy things like sitting.
Baby + Full time job + 2 hour commute = No time. All this is made worse by the fact that work is busy and frustrating.
In any case, I really just wanted to take a moment to say hi and show you a couple pictures of my boy. It’s true, you really do love them more with each passing day.
I put off the talk all weekend and Monday night I was seething with anger again which carried into yesterday. Surprisingly when I got home last night I was pretty chill and said something at dinner about feeling overwhelmed and you know what B’s response was?
“Maybe cleaning will be my thing.”
Seriously. The boy said he will clean the house so matter-of-factly that I had to double check with him. Now I know my husband so I’m not going to go jumping up for joy just yet but the fact that he VOLUNTEERED is a wonderful start don’t you think?
OE has been in daycare for 3 weeks now and it is just fine. Everyone there says he is such a cute and happy baby which makes dropping him off so much easier. Mondays are definitely the hardest, after we’ve spent the weekend together.
While I’m mostly OK with dropping him at daycare I hate that I really have no idea what his days are like. I know what he used to be like 3 months ago but now I only read what is written in his book. That is the highlight of our night…B and I usually wait for each other before reading about OE’s day. Sometimes it is brief – when his diaper changes or naps were and when he was fed and sometimes we read about going for a walk or an art project or making raspberries with his mouth.
On Sunday we were at a birthday party and decided to put OE in the big boy outside swing. He is growing like a weed (or at least I’m hoping that is the reason for the sudden 3x feedings as night) and I feel like a lot of changes are on the horizon.
I used to use my blog to vent a lot and then I got a few readers and it felt less like venting to empty space and more like venting to people who might judge or offer advice so I stopped. But I don’t know…maybe I’ll try again.
Sometimes I get angry with my husband. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I was a single parent. I’m trying to ride out these few weeks while B is busy with school beginning and lots of stuff going on but it has got to end. It is so much easier to do everything while I’m the only one at home. I used to not like it when I got home before B but now I actually prefer it. The second he gets home I feel my stress level go up. Yelling at the dogs again, everyday, for the same thing (his response? Why haven’t they learned? Oh god. Please tell me you’re smarter than that), talking loudly causing OE to pull off a million times while I’m feeding him while complaining about work or being tired or whatever else. Most nights I put OE to bed, make dinner, wash dishes, do laundry, make lunches and get OE’s bottles ready for the next day by myself. Most nights I don’t sit down before going to bed at 10pm sharp. My husband’s one (self-proclaimed, give him credit there) job is to make sure OE’s bag is ready for daycare the next day. That has kind of fallen by the wayside lately.
Two weeks in a row B had to stay late at school one day and said he’d be home around 9pm. Both nights 9pm came and went without so much as a text. I was asleep before he got home. Now I don’t care that he was late or that he went out with friends after, I care that he didn’t respect me enough to check in at home and make sure we’re all in one piece before making his decision (and consequently informing me).
On Wednesday B stayed home from school so he could visit his sister who had just had surgery. I was running late, trying to get everything ready to get out of the house on time and I asked B if he could help me. His response was that he really needed to finish up an e-mail for school and then he could help. Meanwhile he could have checked his e-mail last night, could have done it BEFORE checking his personal e-mail and perusing Facebook and he could have not given me attitude about it. I was so mad that day that I didn’t even kiss him goodbye.
I need some help. Some support. And I don’t want any whining when I ask for it. This weekend’s agenda is to sit down with B and hopefully have a productive conversation that doesn’t leave me throwing my hands in the air. Most of the time he’s great about these discussions when we have them and I’m calm so I’m really hoping for the best.
There are times where I think, “I should write about this on my blog” but then life goes on and it is quickly forgotton. Perhaps when work slows down a little I’ll be able to start blogging a bit more regularly. For now I’ll leave you a some pics. Can you believe OEM is almost 5 months old? I can’t.
Funny how life works. The days since my last post have been wonderful. I left work early on Friday and picked OE up from his grammy’s and we had a great afternoon playing and hanging out. It made me think about how if I didn’t have such a commute (almost an hour each way) maybe things would be a little bit better. But maybe not and besides, it is what it is and I’m lucky to have a full time job that pays me well.
I expected life to be hard as a mom. I didn’t expect to have feelings of doubt about it all at this stage. I talked to B and I could tell that he was asking the “important” questions. You know, the ones where he determines whether or not what I’m feeling is me being hard on myself or me maybe needing some outside help. We both decided that I’m being hard on myself and that what I’m feeling is normal. He said I was a great mom and that OE feels the same way. And I know he does.
I’m sure it would be beneficial to talk to a therapist (it always is) but I don’t think I need it right now. It has been almost 4 years since I’ve been and I now live too far to go to the same one. Starting with a new therapist is difficult for me and the hassle of taking off from work and the co-pay just isn’t worth it for me. I know when I’m at my breaking point and I’m not there.
Life is a rollercoaster and being a working mom is just the same. Some days are good and some days are hard. I’m just learning how to deal with the harder ones. I know I can do it and I know I want to.
I got a call this week from the director who said that they’ll try the cloth diapers. So I just have to have faith that it will work out. I’m glad to be all set with child care but now I have something new to worry about: money. They do go hand in hand I suppose. Since I’ve been back from my leave it’s been tough and I can’t quite put my finger on it. I knew that a few weeks would be a little tight because at the end of my leave I had to stretch out my vacation days making for a smaller paycheck. But I’ve been back almost 6 weeks and it isn’t getting better. There is debt I want to pay down and a new daycare expense looming over my head. It will work out in the end but knowing that doesn’t make me worry any less.
On Monday we took OE to his first baseball game. We didn’t even make it to our seats and he fell asleep. Eventually he did wake up – to eat and fuss a little – and got to look all around. I don’t know if he could see that far but he loved staring at the scoreboard. He loves light, whether it is a window, the television, or a giant scoreboard.
Last week I had a couple challenging days. B was away on business and the fun, bonding experience I was looking forward to turned into me wishing I was at work instead of home. For the first time since the early days with OE I was breaking down and seriously questioning whether I could do this and more so did I want to?
To be honest, some days I do and some days I don’t. If you asked me to give OE away I wouldn’t, no, couldn’t. And yet a lot of the time I feel like the work I put into all this doesn’t equal the reward. Is this what it feels like to be a mom – wearing multiple hats and not feeling like you’re doing a single one right? Feeling like you’re losing yourself but not sure exactly how? Am I being too hard on myself?
The truth is that OE responds more to his dad right now and instead of feeling great that they have a terrific relationship I feel like a failure because I don’t have the same relationship. I’m the mother, I provided for him for 3 months; shouldn’t he love me the most? At this point I think OE thinks of me as a milk source and that is it.
Am I jealous? Absolutely. Do I resent B because I feel like I do so much more around the house and with OE? Yes. Am I angry that I have to work 40 hours a week and put OE in child care even though I’m not sure I would want to be home with him but if this is the relationship that I’m going to have with him then what is the point? I guess so.
Transitions are hard, OE is still young and things will get better. I do know this. But. Well, I guess I wasn’t prepared for it to take this long. And to be completely honest – the raw truth – I’m not sure I love having OE here in my life. I’m not ready to admit it yet…if I do then I know it will mean a call to my therapist.
Typing that makes me cry. A lot.
Shortly after my last post we went camping. Camping is one of the cheaper ways to travel and we stayed pretty local – only going about an hour from home. On Saturday I realized that even though we were just camping, the weekend was still going to cost about $150. If I went down to a four day work week we could manage financially but we wouldn’t be able to do these small little adventures and it was then that I decided these trips are what makes our family what it is and getting out and doing things is important to us.
I am at peace with having to work 40 hours a week. I am not, however, at peace with the childcare situation.
We use cloth diapers at home and since OE is going to be in care 4 days a week (my mother-in-law is watching him one day) it makes sense to continue cloth diapering in daycare. We decided on a place who said clother diapers are OK, said we wanted to enroll and then got a phone call that cloth diapers are only acceptable if it is for a medical reason (it’s not). Two other centers we looked at said they could do cloth without any mention of the reason why. So I decided that being able to use cloth diapers is important to me and so I told the director that and she said she’s going to double check.
To be honest the director sort of rubs me the wrong way but I like that this place is a small center and family oriented and I like the lead teacher in the infant room. So I figure whatever the decision is about the diapers will determine whether we go here or not. I had no idea choosing a child care facility would be so difficult for me. I need to keep reminding myself that if it doesn’t work out then I give 2 weeks notice and find another place.
This week was a little easier than last week. I think we’re starting to get into a routine and while I don’t paticularly enjoy eating dinner at 9pm it is what it is for now. Today I am working from home and tomorrow I am taking the day off as B is in San Diego for a few days. I’m happy to hang out with OE.
Speaking of camping, someone forgot he was wearing a Happy Camper onesie:
Oh. Hi.
Where to begin when I really don’t want to begin anywhere? In short: Maternity leave is over, work was OK but now is getting old, looking at childcare places is harder than I thought it would be, I have no time to do anything and therefore feel like a failure times 100, money does not grow on trees and someone really needs to fix that.
I have an (almost) 14 week old son and I feel like I don’t even know him. Yes, I’m still in transition and yes it will get better and yes every working mother probably goes through this. The crappy thing is that I’m on week three and I’m feeling worse about it then when I started.
I really want to work just 4 days a week – I think it will make me feel so much better about my lack of time with OE but looking at the budget pretty much negates that. The amount of money I would be giving up is pretty close to the amount of childcare for the month so it’s hard to justify when we still have so much debt. I still haven’t decided but sigh.
I’m trying to stay optimistic about things and waiting for them to get better. They will, I’m sure, but this week has been a little trying.
OE had his 2 month appointment last week where he measured 50 percentile in all three measurements. Doc said he is “textbook baby.” I’ll take it.
The shots weren’t so bad. I can’t help but feel like a horrible mom because I didn’t feel bad about him getting them. I mean, yes, that pain cry is not fun to hear but just as fast as it happened it was over.
I read somewhere that when babies are about to take a developemental leap they take a few steps back. I’m hoping OE is going through something because he hasn’t been sleeping as long at night as he had been and the other day he nursed way more than normal. I’m not handling the lack of sleep well and combined with work on the horizon (less than 2 weeks!), my anxiety is making things hard. Which of course means I take it out on B. Can’t he see when things are hard for me? Why can’t he just step in and help out without me needing to ask him to? I know, it’s nothing new – men and women are constantly at odds about this. When I say I need help it would be so much nicer to hear, “What can I do to help you?” as opposed to, “What do you want me to do?” in that tone that sounds more like, “Ugh. I’m busy. What the hell do you need?” Sometimes things are easier when B is at work – I hate feeling like that.
Of course I’ve been known to be a little over-sensitive at times.
Sometimes I have a hard time with the fact that right now I have no life. When OE is hungry, I need to feed him and I don’t mind the feeding, its after that makes me dread the whole thing. Sometimes his spit-up is manageable and sometimes it isn’t. The floor is covered with it and I’m covered in it and he needs an outfit change. There are some days that he goes through 6 outfits by 2pm. I’m not worried about his health, I think he’s OK (and doc agrees) but emotionally it can be exhausting. I’ve come a long way with letting things go but I’m still not all there.
OE is changing though and his personality is starting to come through and that is so fun. His smiles at me never get old and have an amazing way of making it all worth it. I love that about life.
Blogging is hard these days. Every now and then I think of things to say but rarely do I have the desire to actually sign in and write a post. I get the chance to read blogs like once a week and then it’s so overwhelming.
Things are going well. Time is flying by. OE is growing like crazy. Already I’m getting sad about it. Ridiculous I know.
We declared Saturday the day that OE officially smiled at us. It captivates my heart.
