Life

We grew up together in a small community – the kind where your grade school classmates will always mean something to you because you spent every day together. We went our separate ways in high school, as most of my elementary school relationships did.

We reconnected through facebook in 2008. I was expecting my first child, she her third. She was very active on facebook and always had a positive comment to say and was very open about her own life. I thought it was strange then, I admire it now. She lost a baby at 14 weeks and then had at least one more miscarriage after that. When she became pregnant with twins I thought, wow the lord really does work in mysterious ways.

She had a bit of a rough road, as most multiple pregnancies are, but just over two weeks ago she had twin girls. Premature but in perfect health.

On Sunday she passed away from a sudden heart attack due to spontaneous coronary artery dissection, a very rare event that is more common in postpartum women. She was having chest pains, reluctantly went to the ER and just after walking through the doors went into cardiac arrest. Attempts to resuscitate weren’t successful.

I cried when I read it on facebook. I just couldn’t believe it. I cried for Bethany, for her husband, for her five children because it just doesn’t make sense. It is heartbreaking. I try not to ever delve into the “whys” of things because I don’t think an answer will ever be found but it is hard not to think about that here. I can’t think of another woman who was as genuinely caring about so many people, so grateful for what she had and so positive to everyone around her. She was an amazing mom.

The flip side of this sadness is the rallying that my childhood friends are doing to support her family. A bank account has been opened, a fundraiser is being put together and donations being sent to her family.

I just can’t imagine. Two week old twins. It breaks my little heart, and everyday I cry for her family. They are a strong family and so loving so I know they will get through it but I just wish they didn’t have to.

The day after Bethany passed my husband’s grandfather passed away. It was expected, but – but what? I don’t know, 2011 gave me a beautiful son but other than that it has been a shitty, shitty year.

Everyone Loves a Whiny Post About Having a Baby, Right?

And here we are.  Week 3 of being at home and boy it is a doozy.  Not quite as anxiety laden as last week but much more sleep deprivation.  Have I mentioned that I do not do well on little sleep?  I am cranky and whiny and all woe-is-me.

Oh but it would be so much worse if I had to go to work.

Teething?  God I hope so.  WA has me up every couple hours during the night.  It is pure torture.  And of course as I was putting him down this morning at 4:10am I thought, well at least he’s just nursing and then going right back to sleep.

Right.  I’ve been up since 3:50am after going to sleep 5 hours earlier and getting up twice (three times?) I thought well if I’m not going to get sleep then I might as well get up and do some work.  Except for whatever reason my remote connection wasn’t working and then WA fell asleep in my arms.  But of course I had already had a cup of coffee and if I went to sleep (which I easily could have, even after 10 cups of coffee) it was guaranteed that OE would be up 5 minutes later.

And we have to be at the doctor’s at 9am and then a play group after that.  I’m not sure I’m going to have the Mommy patience to do all of this but I don’t have a choice so I will get it done.  If only I had a nap to look forward to.  WA isn’t napping this week either.

Well I better go get in the shower while WA is still sleeping (because apparently this is when he can sleep, when I can’t) and OE is being entertained by Thomas.

Is that enough whining for you?  I know, it is obnoxious.

 

 

Opinions needed

Friday will be the last day of daycare for both OE and WA. OE has been at his current small center daycare for a year. At Christmas and at the beginning of summer we gave small gifts to the three teachers in his school. Should I give another gift on Friday?

WA has only been at his current home daycare for a month. Do I give a gift on Friday?

I wanted to take two of my employees to lunch this week but it doesn’t look like the schedule will allow it. Now what? Get them a small gift? Don’t do anything?

Where To Begin?

So much happens in a day.  So many thoughts swirling in my head.  So many of them fleeting.

I could tell you about Buttercup, how he’s an amazing baby, sleeping through the night, smiling and giggling and growing like a weed.

I could tell you how I miss my mom, thinking of her daily, and wanting to be done with all this paperwork crap.

I could tell you how I’m looking forward to being done with work but I’m scared.

I could tell you things are a bit rough with B, mostly because I’m working and not getting support from him.  When I feel like this I can’t even look him in the eyes.

I could tell you that the interment for my mom is tomorrow and I’m sad and it’s going to rain and I don’t care.

Because I’m numb.

My two boys are a welcome distraction, if I didn’t have them I don’t know where I’d be.

Quick Update

We lost power for four days.  Daycare was closed so I couldn’t go to work.  I went back to work the following Monday - in the pouring rain, hitting a ton of traffic - and walked into a warning letter.  I had a feeling I would get one but it still sucked.  So I talked to my boss, trying hard not to cry and I told him I wouldn’t mind it if the company laid me off.  So they are.  My last day will be the 30th.

I am so happy and yet so terrified at the same time.  My future is unknown, at a time when maybe it shouldn’t be.  I’m trying to keep my mom’s house which means mortgage payments.  B is scared as well.  I totally understand but I’m choosing to take this leap of faith and recognize that my boys are young and I will never, ever regret being able to stay home with them.  For however long I can.

 

 

Making it Work

The interview was fine.  When we got started I was told the position would actually be 5 days a week, not 4.  And then there was a question about whether I would be available full time if it became available.  Quite frankly, I don’t want to work 5 days a week and I certainly don’t want to do full time in that position so I’m going to withdraw my application.  It isn’t a good fit, I’m going to recognize that instead of trying to make it work.

We’re expecting hurricane Irene so I’ve been instructed to stay home from work on Monday until my workplace has been cleared as being safe to return to.  As long as daycare is open I think I’ll try to get the kids out the door at our normal time.  It will be a good trial run without the added pressure of being late.

I’m trying so hard to go into this with an open mind.  I have a pit of dread in my stomach but it is what it is and until something changes I have to make it work.  I have to.

Waiting for the fog to lift

I’m on my last week of maternity leave.  Technically I was supposed to go back to work on Monday but we didn’t have childcare lined up for WAM yet so I asked for an extra week.  To say I’m dreading going back is a drastic understatement.

Before I went out on leave I told my husband that I didn’ t know how we were going to do it but I was not going to return to that job.  I was that unhappy.  And then my mom got sick and I decided it wasn’t a time to leave my job.  And then my mom died and I decided I am actually enjoying being a stay at home mom which surprises me because I didn’t think I would.  I guess the fact that we’ve had two reminders this year that life is fleeting and you might as well be happy has changed something in me.  Sure, I want to be responsible and save for retirement but considering my mother AND mother-in-law didn’t get to make it to retirement is making me re-think the idea of working hard now for later.  Especially since I have two precious boys who will be old and not need me later.

I’m interviewing for a part-time job tomorrow.  It is in the same city I live in now, 15 minutes from home and the hours are 4pm-10pm Monday through Thursday.  Quite frankly I am way overqualified but it means I would get to stay home with my boys.  The pay is terrible, as you can imagine.  But it means I get to stay home with my boys.

When I look at it on paper and see how much of a pay cut it would be and even saving daycare costs we’d still be taking a cut I’m not so sure.  But then I remember my happiness!  It is worth something, right?  My husband said last night, “If it were anyone else I would say you have to be happy.  But this is our family, it is more than just you.”

He has a point.  I don’t like it so much but it is a good point.  If I pushed hard enough I know he would tell me to do what I needed to do but I want this to be our decision, not mine.  I don’t want to feel like I have to prove the decision wasn’t a mistake because I might be stubborn and not admit it.

I might have the interview tomorrow and bomb it (very likely considering this case of mommy brain I have.  Seriously, it is SO BAD) or decide the company isn’t a good fit.  I have a feeling though, that I’ll like it and want to take it but if they offer me the posted rate I don’t think we can.

I wear one of my mom’s rings every day.  I keep looking at it for guidance.  I am trying to have faith that something is going to come our way.  Something.  Just when?

July 14

I didn’t get to give her the card.  I read it to her, holding back the tears, during the night when she was so medicated that I don’t know if she heard me.  I like to think she did.

I received a card from my father-in-law that really speaks to me.

Thinking of You As You Honor Your Mother

You’ll never forget your mother’s face, the sound of her voice, the gentleness of her touch…they let you know you were loved.

You’ll never forget the stories she told, the traditions she handed down…they let you know who you are.

You’ll never forget the lessons she taught, the things she stood for…they are her gift and your legacy.

You’ll never forget, and you’ll always know that you honor her every day in how you live and who you are.

Dear Mom

I keep searching for the right thing to say and do but there is no right thing.  We all have to muddle through this together, making the most of what we have.  I’m on an emotional rollercoaster, feeling angry, sad, accepting at various times.  I try to focus on the good things, the many memories I have over the years.

Saturday errands at the grocery store, bank, a special treat of lunch out, a trip ALL the way to Granite complete with a toy to occupy me on the way home.  Back to school shopping trips, going to the beach, trips out to Ohio, to the Cape.  Our April vacation driving trip with Kate, visiting colleges, care packages received.  Looking for your mother of the bride outfit, my wedding and baby showers, trips to Woodstock and Christmas shows.  Meeting your grandsons for the very first time.

I know we’ve had our share of differences and difficulties.  Our road has come together and grown apart many times and I don’t know if I’ve ever said this but I’m sorry for the pain I caused while I was going through my rough patches.  Now that I’m a mother I know how difficult it must have been for you.  But you know, I have really enjoyed our road lately.  I’ve enjoyed watching you become a part of my new family and becoming a nana to OE and WA.  I will miss that you won’t be able to see them grow up here with us but I know you will be watching over them from heaven and enjoying every moment.  You and Sandy will have front row seats.

I’m so sorry you have to go through this.  Its not fair.  You are a strong woman, overcoming so much in your life and I am in awe at how you’re handling this.  I’m grateful for all the memories we have and I’m so glad that you got to see me graduate college, get married and have children.  More than anything I want you to know how much I love you and how very much I’m going to miss you.  Thank you for being my Mother.  Please watch over us and don’t forget to say Hi every now and again – I’ll be looking for you.

Inquiring Minds

The top two questions we are asked now that WA is here are:

Is he sleeping through the night?

No and if he’s anything like his brother I’ve got, oh, another 13 months until he does.  Oh crap that sounds terrible, especially once I start work.  Right now he usually gets up twice a night, same as OE did.  I take a nap every couple of days and that usually keeps me somewhat normal.

How is OE handling it?

OE is actually handling it better than I expected.  He likes to say hi and wants to hold him sometimes.  I picked WA up yesterday and two cars fell off him.  He gets frustrated sometimes when we’re holding WA but mostly it is because he wants the attention.  I have noticed that OE is better behaved when B is home as well.  I’m able to handle them both home alone but I don’t think I’ll go out in public with them alone anytime soon, mostly because OE is a handful.

Overall, adjusting to two hasn’t been that bad.  Yes, WA cries longer than we ever let OE cry for and that is difficult but sometimes you just don’t have a choice.  Not having crazy hormones and being used to the lack of sleep and free time has made the transition easier.